In the slum communities, where we work, most of the children do not stay with their fathers. This is not because their fathers died! For many, the men that sired them are living, they are going on with their lives elsewhere, and some are thriving. While talking with single mothers, most of them shared that most of their children’s fathers have no idea how their children are surviving!
In one of the families I visited, a parent shared this with me; my children’s father is alive but disengaged and disinterested in parenting. According to psychology, most of children with unjustifiably absentee parents will push this absenteeism to their unconscious as they grow, only to be re-awakened during adulthood. They will then seek love, affection and attention from older partners as their way of filling the void that was created during childhood. They will also harbor resentment for men ‘if the absentee parent was a father’ or for women if it was a mother’. This is what is referred to as the ‘Father wound’. It is an innate conflict, anger…which if not revisited with a trained therapist, can torment one for their entire lifetime.
When we look at families living in slums a large percentage of women are single parents. First we attribute this to the fact that they are poor but in real sense men leave because of the responsibility attached to these relationships, domestic violence that is caused as a result of poverty, and a cultural mindset that a man has control over a woman and should do what they want. All this, taints a child’s development
A big number of Mental Disorders (mainly Personality Disorders) that many battle with in adulthood have their genesis in how one was parented! Parental neglect plays a big role. In slum communities, it is a common scene meeting children as young as 2 or 3 wander off to wherever they please to play. Very often, if you reach out to them, they will most likely become agitated. They will also hesitate to run to a stranger since they have not created particular bonds. It is very likely that these children have developed what is known as ‘insecure attachment’ with adults. They become highly irritable with tantrums; when they start to cry, it is prolonged and uncontrollable. Such children are susceptible to developing a mental disorder known as Border line Personality Disorder stemming from this childhood neglect. People with this disorder, as adults lack self-drive, are pessimistic about achieving goals; they’re capable of not showing up for their own weddings, or jump out of a course they have done for 4 years in the final semester! They never commit.
For a father that has neglected his responsibilities in present parenting, you are harnessing far reaching effects to your child/children. The presence of a father is very instrumental in a child’s mental, cognitive and physical development. Unfortunately, we have for a long time celebrated fathers, when actually the real heroes are grandparents and mothers. Many children are left with their grandparents who they grow up to identify as their fathers. Lately, there is also a new title coined up as ‘jaja daddy’ as a way of explaining to the children that in the absence of your father, this can act as one, but actually, he isn’t. This last statement as confusing to you as it is to me.
Let us be intentional about celebrating all those that step in as fathers; giving credit where it is due. Let us as find time and spend it with our children, so together, we can help them create fond memories. There are times when all you have left to hang on to in your times as an adult, are the fond memories.
